If you’ve ever gone on a vacation with friends and actually chosen to do so again, consider yourself a rarity.
That’s because finding alignment on what to eat, how much to spend, where to stay, is really hard. And there are so many other decisions: wake up early or late, hike or massage, dive bar or cocktail lounge, timeout for kids versus time-in… And that’s all after the potential hardest part: Agreeing on a destination. Consider a recent Wall Street Journal article headlined: “Six Friends Tried to Plan a Girls’ Trip in a Group Chat. Things Went Sideways.”
And yet somehow the friends on “The Four Seasons” manage group sojourns four times a year. (Warning: Spoiler alerts ahead.) The Netflix series, inspired by a 1981 movie starring Alan Alda, follows the holidays of three couples, mostly friends from college. When one of them leaves his wife and starts dating a younger woman, the group dynamics go haywire. Those tensions felt palpable and relatable for those of us in midlife. Enough so that I reached out to an expert to help me unpack some of the dysfunctions on display. Elizabeth Gudrais is a travel advisor with Fora, which describes itself as a modern travel agency leveraging tech and insights with travelers’ wish lists. Edited excerpts of our conversation:
S. Mitra Kalita: I couldn’t help but wonder as I watched “The Four Seasons” whether this idea of friends faithfully spending vacations together was a trend or a tradition? What are you observing in this space right now?
Elizabeth Gudrais: It might be something that happens more often in books and movies than in real life. It is quite rare for people to have a group of friends that travels well together, and continues to do so for a number of years. This is definitely more the exception than the rule!
Assisting groups traveling together is a big part of what I do as a travel advisor, and almost without fail, group members have competing priorities that are at odds with one another. One couple might want to do lots of excursions while the other couples want to sit by the pool and chill. In an extended family, one sibling might prefer a city hotel while the other prefers a rental house in the countryside—and the grandparents footing the bill get stuck in the middle. I often say that the role of a travel advisor is at least half that of a counselor/mediator. You learn a lot about interpersonal dynamics and see all of people’s quirks come out when helping them to plan a group trip!
When you find someone you travel well with, that is truly a gift and should NOT be taken for granted! I have friends I absolutely adore spending time with, but we have discovered through trial and error that we don’t make the best travel buddies due to different ideas about how hectic vs. relaxed we would like our days to be, different preferences for budget vs. luxury, and even different preferences when it comes to food. If one person wants to get all their meals in a grocery store and the other person wants to savor a seven-course dinner at a fancy restaurant that might be more aptly described as “dining theater,” they are going to have a hard time finding common ground!
Often there is a group leader making most of the decisions. In an ideal world, I actually like to get all travelers on a Zoom call together so I can present options to them and hear their impressions. If one person’s idea of a good time is an eco-hotel with yurts, but their traveling companions hate it, I might be able to suggest a “compromise” property that has some features of each. I truly do believe working with a travel advisor can help get to a group trip that is enjoyable for everyone involved.
SMK: The tension between Kate (Tina Fey) and Claude (Marco Calvani) is so real and familiar. And then the younger woman and new girlfriend (Erika Henningsen as Ginny) of Nick (Steve Carell). You know when there’s a group of friends but then one partner is, well, not as beloved? Any thoughts on navigating that during travel, vacations or just throughout life?
EG: I thought it was genius the way they highlighted one character (Ginny) feeling out of place with the older group of friends, and then her love interest (Nick) having similar feelings when he joins the younger group of Ginny’s friends. It was also interesting how this dynamic seemed to make the friendship connections stronger among the central group of characters. Whereas there were tensions within the group in the opening episode (to the point that I wondered if they even enjoyed spending time together or just felt obligated to continue a tradition), later episodes really emphasized the genuine connections among them and affection based on shared history and the kind of deep understanding that develops over time.
I also loved the way the relationship between Kate and Claude evolved. At the beginning of the series, her disdain for him is almost a point of pride, and then later on she sees a totally different side of him and you can see her appreciating him more and thinking she was wrong about him. I actually think this is a wonderful example of the benefits of traveling together. You get to know people in a very different and much more intimate way!
SMK: We’ve written before about the rules for house guests and what longtime second homeowners have learned about hosting. The first episode did make me think about this a bit more. It’s an interesting collision of real estate and boundaries. Any thoughts on this?
EG: The truth is that people have very different standards for how they live and the conditions they like to keep in their own homes! Some hosts have no qualms about assigning chores, and some are mortified by the very thought of it. The simple question, “Is there anything I can get you?” goes a long way, giving the guest an opening to mention if there’s something they absolutely MUST have (and absolutely would have, if they were at home) but don’t want to impose. I’ve also done a lot of homestays and it can be very awkward when an item that you think is essential just isn’t provided and the host doesn’t offer.
I think this same concept can apply to traveling together. Taking time to check in with your traveling companions—to ask “How are you doing?”— and then listen to the answer—can provide real opportunities for connection and understanding, and might even turn a conflict-ridden trip into a more harmonious one by finding a middle ground that we can all enjoy together instead of isolating that one person who isn’t having a good time.
We should all be a little less afraid to be rude. I have some wonderful memories that have resulted from friends and relatives just asking if they could crash on my couch instead of waiting for me to offer. I think my love for traveling and other cultures started as a kid, when I spent a lot of time with my grandmother, who managed a guesthouse for people who came to the Mayo Clinic from all over the world to get medical treatment. They weren’t just renting a room from her; they also got seats around her dinner table and she took the time to get to know them. Connecting with other humans across cultural lines is such a gift. And that doesn’t just apply to people from other countries. I think it can also apply to friends whose life experiences are different from ours or even to family members we haven’t seen for some time.
SMK: Divorce. Open marriages. Relationship tensions. Feels like going on vacation with friends is not quite a vacation if you gotta deal with all that?
EG: I definitely think you’re right that going on vacation with the wrong people may not feel like a vacation at all! Kind of like people always say that it’s lonelier to be in an unhappy marriage than to be by yourself, right?
That being said, I think this is just life! I would rather my friends be real with me than try to keep up a sanitized façade. I think we did see in the series the way that messiness can lead to deeper and more heartfelt connections. Without giving away spoilers, I absolutely loved how season one ended, resolving a major conflict between two characters (well, that is, until the big reveal and cliffhanger…) while showing us that they both had experienced learning and growth.
SMK: Alright, we know you are a travel planner so this might be your favorite question… Based on the locations in the series, what are some of your fave destinations that felt reminiscent? Think cool vacation homes on a lake, rustic camping spots, pool or beachside resorts, and bed and breakfasts in quaint autumn settings… Go!
EG: You’re right. This question is a lot of fun to think about! Starting with Episode 1 at the lake house, there are many, many rental homes at various locations across the U.S. that could provide an experience like this, but there are also hotels and guesthouses with a lake house format that provide an elevated level of service (such as daily housekeeping, restaurants on site, and organized tours/activities if you are looking for a bit more structure). My favorites include The Point at Saranac Lake, High Hampton in the Blue Ridge Mountains, or Twin Farms in Vermont—and then there’s Canoe Bay right here in Wisconsin, where we do “lake life” better than just about anyone. (Please reach out to me to unlock perks when booking these!)
And then with the eco resort, this reminded me of one place we stayed in Colombia that had zero breeze (it was on the interior of an island) and was just so HOT… and the “showers” were from a bucket using collected rainwater! This was long before I was a travel advisor and I definitely should have done more research about that place. If I were booking the same trip today I’d choose Hotel Las Islas, which is in the same area but does actually provide the kind of breezy seaside retreat, embedded in nature, that we were hoping for! (Honorable mention in this category is Mungo Lodge in the Australian outback, where we really did enjoy our stay in a “glamping” platform tent with queen bed, with front-row views to incredible sand formations, a dried-up lake bed with 20,000-year-old footprints, and the brightest stars in the night sky that I’ve ever seen… but if we went back I would spring for an air-conditioned cabin!)
The parents’ weekend at college episodes definitely reminded me of going back to New England for my own college reunions. Returning to campus when you have enough money to afford a nice hotel is always somewhat of a surreal experience! For my 15-year reunion I actually stayed in the dorms for nostalgic reasons, but staying on the top floor with no air conditioning during a heat wave was enough to scare me off of that decision for good. My 20-year reunion was during Covid, so coming up on 25 next year (!), I’ve already started looking at hotels.
Lastly, the New Year’s Eve chalet with the moonlight hike (while the other group of friends is at the vacation house with a hot tub where all sorts of drama goes down). There are so many wonderful ski resorts throughout the U.S., Canada, and Europe… I’m not really a skier myself, though; I like hiking and snowshoeing and especially admiring the snow through a picture window while holding a cup of hot chocolate! When I’m advising on a group ski trip, I like to keep this in mind and recommend places that have other things to do (especially if I know there are non-skiers in the group)—balancing that, of course, with the quality of the skiing and appropriateness of the difficulty level, ski school etc., for the people involved. Depending on who’s coming, some I would look at for this are Nita Lake Lodge in Whistler, Canada (located in a small village with a shuttle to the town center—and with to-die-for outdoor hot tubs), Club Med Charlevoix in Quebec, Canada (riverside retreat with plenty of leisure activities and First Nations influences incorporated in the design), and Hotel Schweizerhof in Zermatt, Switzerland (aside from an adorable town, there’s a scenic railway, a toboggan run, and a Matterhorn museum to explore).